Sarcastic Colleague Pillows

'Get me everything on scapegoats.'

"You're the laziest guy I have seen in my entire working life!"

"You call this sweating bullets over the Jackson account? What caliber?"

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

"I think I see a miscreant in the carpark. There's no time to call the police I must deal with it myself."

Bureau of the Damned

'It's from my staff...make sure it's not carnivorous.'

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

Melvin likes to indulge his inner child.

Course 'Management Skills and Employee Motivation', 09 AM - 05 PM, No breaks!

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

'Thanks for making it guys. Come on in and pull up a chair.' A square hole in an office floor where chairs can be pulled up from

"The boss is mad at me. I did something really, really dumb today!"

"Despite my best efforts, you're still the man and I'm still the woman."

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

Didn't we fire you last week?

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

"Can you train him to bite my husband whenever the trash gets full?"

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

'I just read that in order to get the same benefit as lab mice got from taking resveratrol, you'd have to drink 1,000 bottles of wine per day. For you, that would mean cutting back.'

"I knew I should never have left you in charge of the rubber bands!"

"This one is less distracting."

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'It's not your work, Hannon - it's your attitude.'

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

'To be honest, I'm having trouble keeping up with all this new technology.'

It's too cold...the boss is a jerk...my feet hurt.

'Sorry, dear, but upon advice from my attorney, I decline to give you an opinion on your Creamed Tarragon Flounder.'

Oh, for Pete's sake take some this medicine. You're useless, but at least it will make your COUGH more productive!

"I think I'd be better at leading if I could yell louder."

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

"See that yard with the garden gnomes and the idiot waxing his Nissan Cube? That's your bathroom."

"So is that enough 'putting out' for you?"

'It seems that my advice wasn't the only thing he could do without.'

'Believe me, McFarland, I can appreciate a man who marches to the beat of a different Drum, but you don't march, you boogie!'