Sarcastic Office Worker Pillows

'That? Well, it's a solid Lucite paperweight containing your immediate predecessor, compliments of the executive management team. It's just our way of saying 'Welcome Aboard!''

Armstrong? Why did UPS just deliver a microscope, a robotic arm, a huge incubator, a nucleus extractor and a dozen lab rats? Well, it's certainly not so I can replace you with an army of clones programmed to work for free. Well

"You call this sweating bullets over the Jackson account? What caliber?"

'We offer full benefits. A desk, a chair and your very own cubicle.'

"When all else fails, blow darts still get their attention."

Bureau of the Damned

Office: Empowerment Drawer.

Course 'Management Skills and Employee Motivation', 09 AM - 05 PM, No breaks!

'Item 56(B), we need to schedule a series of meetings to discuss whether we should have a meeting to look at whether we're having too many meetings!'

'If you had more criminal potential, you'd get a bonus like all the other investment bankers!'

"The boss is mad at me. I did something really, really dumb today!"

'Your loyalty to the company is exemplary, Potter, but we'll have to let you go if you can't stop chewing up the conference room furniture!'

"I now represent both death and taxes."

"I apologize, sir, but I'm having trouble finding a technician willing to come out and remove the insidious fire creature from your computer."

"This position may call for some occasional plumbing."

The disgruntled employees were brought down with tranquilizer darts, ending the worst pillow fight in recent memory.

"I knew I should never have left you in charge of the rubber bands!"

"Eating the mistakes is a tough job, but somebody has to do it."

"This one is less distracting."

'It's saving us a fortune on retirement costs.'

'It's not your work, Hannon - it's your attitude.'

"They say every team has a member who is suffering from mental health issues. Not this team eh?!"

"The myth of Sisyphus fact-checked • Real name 'Manny' • 40-hour workweek • Weekends off • 'Sisyphus' used stand-ins • 'Boulder' made of papier-mâché *Actual slope"

'Get me everything on scapegoats.'

"Woodpecker gets an office job."

"If any of you guys out there have lost your jobs, need some help and are struggling to cope, call me. I can't do anything, but it makes me feel better about my own shitty life."

Pneumatic seat raised through roof.

Career Opportunities of the Future

"Don't let the new boss catch you having a cigarette break...there's a rumour he watches his staff like a hawk!"

Lawyer practical joke: 'DISBAR ME' taped on back.

"I enjoy the pearls of folksy wisdom as much as the next guy, but what, exactly, does he do around here?"

Safety First.

"Can I call you back? I'm with a piece of string."

Employee Leaves with a shoe up the bum.

'What I particularly like about this baby is this little drawer where I can keep my lunch.'