Sarcastic Work Lover Pillows

"I love this job!"

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Do it yourself books.

"You call this sweating bullets over the Jackson account? What caliber?"

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

How About Serving Us For a Change

"I don't want to insult your intelligence - I imagine that happens enough as it is."

Bureau of the Damned

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

"The boss is mad at me. I did something really, really dumb today!"

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

Know-it-alls

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

'I may scream at you occasionally. Pay no attention. I may rant and rave...pay no attention...I may even fire you occasionally. PAY ATTENTION!'

"Can you train him to bite my husband whenever the trash gets full?"

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

'Don't get worked up - that's one you didn't bail out.'

"I knew I should never have left you in charge of the rubber bands!"

"Of course you don't need to tell me about your procurement plans for the year ahead. That would spoil the surprise and give us time to deliver value for money and who needs that?!"

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

Ok, I know a sarcastic slow clap when I hear one.

My parents went to a t-shirt shop and all they got me was this lousy tattoo.

'We may have found the guy who invented dynamite.'

"Don't worry. Very soon you'll be back to what passes as normal for you."

'Oh well, there's always Photoshop!'

'Hey, Henderson, still got your brains in your butt? Ha! Ha!'

Is my driving p***ing you off yet?

"God, I'll never eat another hot dog again after seeing how they're made!"

"Joey, can you help me out here?"

'It seems that my advice wasn't the only thing he could do without.'

'Your Mother's lips haven't touched each other in 45 years!'

'Get me everything on scapegoats.'