Sarcastic Situation Lover Pillows

'Our line is dead. Sometimes my old boyfriend goes off his medication.'

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

How About Serving Us For a Change

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

'I may scream at you occasionally. Pay no attention. I may rant and rave...pay no attention...I may even fire you occasionally. PAY ATTENTION!'

Know-it-alls

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

"Lemme guess: You forgot the basil Mom asked for, and my ice cream is in your briefcase?"

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

"Of course you don't need to tell me about your procurement plans for the year ahead. That would spoil the surprise and give us time to deliver value for money and who needs that?!"

My parents went to a t-shirt shop and all they got me was this lousy tattoo.

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

'We may have found the guy who invented dynamite.'

Is my driving p***ing you off yet?

"God, I'll never eat another hot dog again after seeing how they're made!"

'Oh no! I think I left my wallet in the examination room.'

"Joey, can you help me out here?"

"Climate change? That's about as likely as a meteorite..."

'Oh well, there's always Photoshop!'

'It seems that my advice wasn't the only thing he could do without.'

"So is that enough 'putting out' for you?"

Hang In There, Baby!

'Why so early?'

'Hey, Henderson, still got your brains in your butt? Ha! Ha!'