Sarcastic Comedy Lover Pillows

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

Redhead

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

How About Serving Us For a Change

"Your farm's doing well John. What's your secret?"

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

Men working (part time).

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"According to this, everything we've done up to now is right."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

'He lost his whistle,'

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

"It floated. I want my money back."

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

'Have you considered the career enhancement opportunities of giving birth in your lunch hour?'

'I'm never having kids, I hear they take nine months to download.'

They stole your identity, but after seeing your credit score, they gave it back.

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

'The critic says, 'the film had me on the edge of my seat and long gone before it ended'.'

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

Know-it-alls

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."