Sarcastic Satire Lover Pillows

"Ms. Johnson, bring in your steno pad. Also, a new keg."

"Final bit of business, for William's leaving present are opting for the gold watch and Mediterranean cruise or the packet of out of date biscuits and photo of our collective bottoms?"

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

It's a new government directive requiring us to be 58% more cheerful within 18 months.

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

Redhead

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

How About Serving Us For a Change

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

Men working (part time).

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

"It floated. I want my money back."

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

'He lost his whistle,'

'Have you considered the career enhancement opportunities of giving birth in your lunch hour?'

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

'Of course cutting back on this level of bureaucracy will require a lot of work...'

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

Know-it-alls

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

'I'm never having kids, I hear they take nine months to download.'

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

'The critic says, 'the film had me on the edge of my seat and long gone before it ended'.'

'As it's Sunday there will be 30 minutes browsing before the service begins.'

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."