Sarcastic Friend T-Shirts

"Why have you got your boobs on your back?"

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

'I let Ed sleep through these meetings. His snoring keeps the others awake.'

Couldn't Care Less About Your Birthday Cards

"In my case what doesn't kill me makes me more cynical and bitter!"

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

"And we're still not getting any hot air."

"Listen Brian, it's just a 'Man cold'."

"You should have called me earlier."

"Oh no! A man with an axe being anti-social..."

Pessimists' club vending machine: Will wish you a rotten day, 50c.

Epitaph - 'Is that all you got?'

It's too cold...the boss is a jerk...my feet hurt.

'So your memory is going... you forget everything... forget about it!'

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

Didn't we fire you last week?

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

I'm OK/You're so-so.

'I'd prefer the banks were re-formed and Destiny's Child split up.'

Greeting cards and sending a snappy retort.

Greeting Cards For A******s

'That was creepy. They ran short on cadavers, so we operated on the dean of students.'

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

"Well if it comes to that you're not exactly Mr Wonderful."

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

Home Sweet Mortgage (worth more than the house).

'Tap water?! As if.'

'Oh stop complaining, if it wasn't for the mosquitoes you wouldn't get any exercise at all!'