Sarcastic Socialite Pillows

'You have to get out more and meet new people you can find fault with.'

'I throw lots of parties... But I insist on only serving canned pumpkin and crystal clear cola.'

Anti-social networking

The transparent safe box of Panama

"My tweet about not caring about what is trending is now trending."

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

"White Collar Prison"

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

'I wish i could think of some way to get away form him.' 'I wish i could think of some way to get away form her.'

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

"I keep telling her she should do something with her stupid little online pieces."

'Actually, I hate places like this.'

"Hey, Gary. Lois wanted to know if you’re up for waiting forever for reheated leftovers and sipping warm mimosas intended to ease the pain of poor service amid a cacophony of idiot tourists and 20-year-olds... you know, brunch."

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

Home Sweet Mortgage (worth more than the house).

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

Didn't we fire you last week?

Men Not Working.

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

'I just read that in order to get the same benefit as lab mice got from taking resveratrol, you'd have to drink 1,000 bottles of wine per day. For you, that would mean cutting back.'

You know, I'll always think of the song that's on the Juke box right now as

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

"We're in the city now, Bob—stop making eye contact with everyone."

Hello- I'm a Wreck.

Hang In There, Baby!

It's too cold...the boss is a jerk...my feet hurt.

"If your boyfriend is so special, why is his name tattooed on the back of your neck where you can't see it?"

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.