Sarcastic Sweetie Pillows

Home Sweet Mortgage (worth more than the house).

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'That was creepy. They ran short on cadavers, so we operated on the dean of students.'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

'I miss telling people they can't have a day off to be with their sick children!'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

Hey, how was space? Fine. Jeez. The adolescent astronaut.

'In this world, son, you've got to learn to push yourself.'

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

'Ms. Hatton, take a letter, a number and a hike...'

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"I hate doing appraisals, it involves thinking about them."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"No, I said go knock yourself out."

"Sir, can I interest you in a luxury coffin?"

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

"Look, you guys call here all the time and we keep telling you - we don't tale telemarketing calls! If you call one more time, I..."

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

'Gentlemen, it's time we tightened our belts.'

This is a voice recognition service...we reserve the right to cut you off if you have an irritating nasal sort of voice.

I'm keeping my phone on...we'll need a wake up call after this guy speaks!

"You were always my favorite to guilt-trip."

The canteen food's pretty awful...

"Pigheaded, Fat Scumbag, who should be wiped off the face of the earth, is there an emoji for that?"

"Oh, Stan, I love your sarcastic sense of humor."

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.

"So, Ben, what do you want to be when you stop sponging off your parents?"

"I'm not whining."