Sarcastic Texter Pillows

People who ghosted me

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

Exciting potato bugs.

Redhead

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

'He lost his whistle,'

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"You were always my favorite to guilt-trip."

"Hey, Gary. Lois wanted to know if you’re up for waiting forever for reheated leftovers and sipping warm mimosas intended to ease the pain of poor service amid a cacophony of idiot tourists and 20-year-olds... you know, brunch."

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.

Didn't we fire you last week?

"I'm not sure what to watch...'Enterprise' or 'Sabado Gigante.'"

Home Sweet Mortgage (worth more than the house).

The canteen food's pretty awful...

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

'Since this is my first time in court, I wonder if it would be all right if my attorney got a couple of shots of me lying under oath.'

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

'I needed a little guidance on bulk pricing strategies... are you LISTENING?'