Sarcastic Scribe Pillows

"Ha, ha. I'm just messing with you. Ha, ha. Don't bless all our reps in Congress."

'There's something wrong with my stomach.' - 'Keep your coat buttoned and nobody will notice.'

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

Mitch learns he is not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

'Wow! - Your diary is even more boring than MY diary!'

'Gentlemen, it's time we tightened our belts.'

'It will cure every ailment known to man, the only side effect is, you'll choke to death trying to swallow it.'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

"You were always my favorite to guilt-trip."

"Bird of paradise, my ass."

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

The canteen food's pretty awful...

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.

'Since this is my first time in court, I wonder if it would be all right if my attorney got a couple of shots of me lying under oath.'

"Send them in for their Christmas bonuses."

'Police! Snow White we have complaints about your relationship with 'Grumpy', and one 'Dopey' some ten years ago.'

'I needed a little guidance on bulk pricing strategies... are you LISTENING?'

Men Not Working.

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

"The end of my patience is near!"

"One of his employees won the lottery!"

Less than Ultimate Fighting.

"I admit - as papercuts go it's quite a serious one."

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'