Sarcasm Scribe Pillows

"I agree, Glenn. The first sentence needs to hook the reader."

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

'That's not really what I meant by 'let your hair down', Rapunzel.'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"I've no idea. Maybe it's the slumber channel."

"So, you say I'll be doubling the numbers of animals I kill?"

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

You want me to be a what? A hipster. My research shows caf

Another day at work would be one too many...

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"We're at the top of the food chain and rulers of all we survey. What could possibly go wrong?"

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

'Someday TVs will be in big boxes on the floor.'

The Snarky District

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

"This is Briggs, our new department head. He's got an amazing knack for reducing complex problems into easy-to-understand witch hunts!"

"My tariffs will move the world in a new direction!!"

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

Do it yourself books.

I put a picture of my lunch on Facebook, and nobody hit "like." Who doesn't like Slim Jims and beer?