Sarcasm Savant Pillows

'Fancy a cup of tea?'

In their secret campaign to enslave humanity, the machines make their first big misstep with Artificial Sincerity.

"I once mistakenly thought I was dating someone for a whole month because I couldn't tell his texts were sarcastic."

'This has been his most productive day ever. I almost hate to wake him.'

"What's the first letter of the alphabet?"

Larry froze, unsure of what to do. Yes, he was a doctor, but on the other hand, this wasn't technically a house.

'My client is suing to protect his bad name.'

'Will you stop saying 'we're all in the same boat, now let's make sure we're all rowing in the same direction.''

"I've written the employees' benefit manual in invisible ink"

"In my client's defence, the label on the bottle clearly read, 'rat poison'...not 'people poison'."

'I remember when you were this high!'

It was supposed to be a friendly takeover?

"Thank you, Nathaniel. I think you, too, are a very scary young lawyer."

'no punch line...signs'

Unsmart bomb: 'OOPS!'

'When I drink, I don't drive my car.'

The End is Neigh

Clancy: Head Hunting

'You know I'd never really noticed before what piggy little eyes you've got.'

"With the price of gas, we can't even afford a guilt trip."

'You claim that you once drove 3000 yards? What car were you in?'

Santa brings an ostrich some sand in which to bury its head.

"Would it kill you to ask me how I'm doing once and a while?"

"A meeting? You bet I would!"

Rude Cactus

"How do I remember orders without writing them? Fatso got the fries, Bitchface got the burger, Pimples got pizza, and Pignose got pulled pork."

"If this is a drug-free school, how come the teachers have a two-pound bottle of aspirin?"

"Sure, I brought my car's title. I call it 'The Rusty Rocket'."

"It's the MacArthur Foundation! They've heard about your special genius for saying the dumbest thing at the worst possible moment, and they're giving you a grant!"

"Breaking up is all my fault . . . my fault for not wanting to go out with a loser with the sexual charisma of a doorstop."

"Your sense of humor has gone from dry to arid. . ."

"What would I recommend? Well, lose that tie and shed some weight..."

"I want to be a stand up comic, but life's not crap enough."

Barbed Pen

"I specialize in obstructing justice, but I'm capable of obstructing all sorts of stuff."