Sarcasm Savorer Pillows

"It's all there. And because of the pressure to conform to social norms I've included a 20% tip."

'I was retaining water, so I cut out the salt. Now I retain gas.'

"All lies,dear boy. This is lemonade."

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

He's in training for the rugby World Cup.

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

"So, you say I'll be doubling the numbers of animals I kill?"

German Expressionist Breakfast

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

'Someday TVs will be in big boxes on the floor.'

The Snarky District

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"This is Briggs, our new department head. He's got an amazing knack for reducing complex problems into easy-to-understand witch hunts!"

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"My tariffs will move the world in a new direction!!"

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

'The Burrito King.'

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

'Stop staring and make a wish!'