Sarcasm Survivor Pillows

'Aches! Pains! Fever! I'm going to call tech support.'

Coping with sarcasm aimed at your toupee.

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

German Expressionist Breakfast

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

You want me to be a what? A hipster. My research shows caf

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

Devil's food cake/Angel's food cake. Delivery mix-up.

'Someday TVs will be in big boxes on the floor.'

"My tariffs will move the world in a new direction!!"

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"It's good to know she was butchered for a noble cause."

'The Burrito King.'

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

The Snarky District

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"This is Briggs, our new department head. He's got an amazing knack for reducing complex problems into easy-to-understand witch hunts!"

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"