Sarcasm Survivors Pillows

"That makes two of us."

"I just bought these smart headphones for parents. They mute all sarcastic remarks and complaining from my kids. I programmed them to do the same for my husband."

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

German Expressionist Breakfast

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

You want me to be a what? A hipster. My research shows caf

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

Devil's food cake/Angel's food cake. Delivery mix-up.

The Snarky District

"This is Briggs, our new department head. He's got an amazing knack for reducing complex problems into easy-to-understand witch hunts!"

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

"It's good to know she was butchered for a noble cause."

'Someday TVs will be in big boxes on the floor.'

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"My tariffs will move the world in a new direction!!"

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

Hello, my name is riskyy@ronny5 and I am addicted to comments boards.

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

'The Burrito King.'

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"