Sarcasm Savants Pillows

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

'Oh, haven't you heard? Babies are 'out'.'

"Look on the bright side: Now you know what a wasp is."

I've got a new ex-girlfriend.

What am I doing? Oh just a little TBC. You know, Taking Care of Bailout.

"I love this comedy. What's it called?"

"It's your night to cook, make everyone do their homework, deal with chaos, and wonder where the hell I am."

"Not only our fishcakes. Granny Cora herself was recalled. She's not really a granny."

"Nobody told me it was a dress down wedding day!"

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

'That's not really what I meant by 'let your hair down', Rapunzel.'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

A man peddles U.S. flags on the sidewalk, next to a man peddling copies of the U.S. constitution

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

You want me to be a what? A hipster. My research shows caf

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

Extinction of the dinosaurs fully explained

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

The Snarky District

'Someday TVs will be in big boxes on the floor.'

"My tariffs will move the world in a new direction!!"

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."