Sarcasm Savants Pillows

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

'Oh, haven't you heard? Babies are 'out'.'

"Look on the bright side: Now you know what a wasp is."

I've got a new ex-girlfriend.

What am I doing? Oh just a little TBC. You know, Taking Care of Bailout.

"I love this comedy. What's it called?"

"It's your night to cook, make everyone do their homework, deal with chaos, and wonder where the hell I am."

"Not only our fishcakes. Granny Cora herself was recalled. She's not really a granny."

"Nobody told me it was a dress down wedding day!"

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

A man peddles U.S. flags on the sidewalk, next to a man peddling copies of the U.S. constitution

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

Extinction of the dinosaurs fully explained

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

"My tariffs will move the world in a new direction!!"

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

"This is Briggs, our new department head. He's got an amazing knack for reducing complex problems into easy-to-understand witch hunts!"

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

'Someday TVs will be in big boxes on the floor.'

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."