Senior Sarcasm Enthusiast Pillows

"My inner child just turned 62. Where's his money?"

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

He's in training for the rugby World Cup.

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

'That's not really what I meant by 'let your hair down', Rapunzel.'

"So, you say I'll be doubling the numbers of animals I kill?"

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"Let's consider an early dive."

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

"The announcement of the changes really went well."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"It's good to know she was butchered for a noble cause."

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

The Snarky District

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

Czarcasm

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

Pharaoh Cocoon

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

"Yes, we voted remain - how did you guess?"

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"This number goes out to all the little people I met on my way back down."

"I always try to give out at least one genuine compliment per day. I don't always succeed."

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"Of course I won't forget to tell you when quarantine's over!"

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

Don't worry, the first thirty years working here are the hardest.

"Nice haircut."