Senior Sarcasm Enthusiast Pillows

"My inner child just turned 62. Where's his money?"

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

He's in training for the rugby World Cup.

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"So, you say I'll be doubling the numbers of animals I kill?"

"Let's consider an early dive."

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

"The announcement of the changes really went well."

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

Czarcasm

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

The Snarky District

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

Pharaoh Cocoon

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

"I always try to give out at least one genuine compliment per day. I don't always succeed."

"Yes, we voted remain - how did you guess?"

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

"This number goes out to all the little people I met on my way back down."

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"Of course I won't forget to tell you when quarantine's over!"

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

"Larry, what's the weather forecast?" "Let me ask you something. Did you make waffles this morning? Because someone had maple syrup on their hands, and I seem to recall a hand moving me... a pretty, pretty, pretty sticky hand..."

'You're good with people. Just tell him to go fuck himself.'

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."