Connoisseur Of Sarcasm Pillows

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Let's consider an early dive."

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

"The announcement of the changes really went well."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

Czarcasm

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

The Snarky District

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"Yes, we voted remain - how did you guess?"

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"Call security, Miss Rightman. I have an overwhelming urge to throw good money after bad"

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"Of course I won't forget to tell you when quarantine's over!"

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

'This program is geared towards the youth market. You give it up to five commands and it closes down in a huff!'

Batsford doesn't suffer fools gladly.

"If I ever start turning into my father do me a favor and don't turn into my mother."

"Larry, what's the weather forecast?" "Let me ask you something. Did you make waffles this morning? Because someone had maple syrup on their hands, and I seem to recall a hand moving me... a pretty, pretty, pretty sticky hand..."

"Sigh...Another sherry Harold...Go team ect."

"The news is so fake, the ads are beginning to look honest."

'You're good with people. Just tell him to go fuck himself.'

"Really? That's the only game in this house?"

Don't worry, the first thirty years working here are the hardest.

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C