Connoisseur Of Sarcasm Pillows

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

'That's not really what I meant by 'let your hair down', Rapunzel.'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Let's consider an early dive."

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

"The announcement of the changes really went well."

The Snarky District

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

Czarcasm

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"Yes, we voted remain - how did you guess?"

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"Call security, Miss Rightman. I have an overwhelming urge to throw good money after bad"

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

"Of course I won't forget to tell you when quarantine's over!"

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

"Larry, what's the weather forecast?" "Let me ask you something. Did you make waffles this morning? Because someone had maple syrup on their hands, and I seem to recall a hand moving me... a pretty, pretty, pretty sticky hand..."

"The news is so fake, the ads are beginning to look honest."

"Sigh...Another sherry Harold...Go team ect."

Don't worry, the first thirty years working here are the hardest.

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."

'This program is geared towards the youth market. You give it up to five commands and it closes down in a huff!'

"If I ever start turning into my father do me a favor and don't turn into my mother."

'You're good with people. Just tell him to go fuck himself.'

Batsford doesn't suffer fools gladly.

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

"Really? That's the only game in this house?"