Scholar Of Sarcasm Pillows

"I love college."

This department will not countenance the back stab.

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Of course I won't forget to tell you when quarantine's over!"

"If I ever start turning into my father do me a favor and don't turn into my mother."

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

The Birth of the Pyramid Marketing Sales Scam (circa 4,000 BC)

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

"There are those who say I'm a throwback to Monet."

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

"Of course I'm making things worse. Do you think I'd work for what you're paying me if I knew how to make things better?"

"How can a student who can't speak English or Gobbledegook expect to pass?"

Monkey Business College

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"We understand each other and respect each other's privacy." "That cat hates me."

'After reviewing my student loans, I wrote my thesis on deficit spending.'

Welcome to Yosemite, Hell on Earth!

"I don't think a hospital video consultation requires 'motivation'."

"The public seems concerned about the size of government."

"My inner child just turned 62. Where's his money?"

Atilla the Hun, sadly neglected by historians for his progressive approach to personnel management.

"Our interview with the author of the best-selling book, 'how I never paid taxes', has been postponed 5 to 10 years."

Emile Durkheim

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'Stop complaining or I'll take you home and serve you some of my husband's cooking!'

"Stop smiling. You're downtown."

'I'm worried that if I study too hard, I couldn end up being a teacher.'

"Well, I wouldn't exactly say we're pursuing bankruptcy. It's more like bankruptcy is pursuing us."

"How dare you—in a straightjacket, no less—psychoanalyze me."

"I think somebody thinks I've been away from my desk too long."

"For today's punishment, you'll be listening to my mom talk about her foot pain."