Master Of Sarcasm Pillows

"I don't need a club or a spear, now that I've mastered sarcasm."

Nitpicking Championships

'Stop complaining or I'll take you home and serve you some of my husband's cooking!'

"What about me? Am I not a natural disaster?"

"Every cloud, Mr. Hoglund, has a silver lining, except, perhaps, yours."

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

The Snarky District

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

"Of course it's a stupid sign, but you wouldn't believe how much money it brings in for city hall!"

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"I'm trying to lure in Generation X-ers. They're the new sandwich generation. They're sandwiched between caring for their kids and caring for their parents. So they drink lots and lots of coffee."

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

Desk plaque: 'P. Burnside, Upper-Echelon Nincompoop'

"Of course I won't forget to tell you when quarantine's over!"

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

"Nobody told me it was a dress down wedding day!"

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."

"Let me connect you with Edith, our specialist in ethnic conflict in the former Yugoslavia. My expertise happens to be in North Korean intransigence."

Don't worry, the first thirty years working here are the hardest.

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

"If I ever start turning into my father do me a favor and don't turn into my mother."

WTF?

Batsford doesn't suffer fools gladly.

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

"Miss Duxbury, put me through to someone."