Champion Of Sarcasm Pillows

'I'm a failure as a manager and husband.'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

'That's not really what I meant by 'let your hair down', Rapunzel.'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

The Snarky District

"It's good to know she was butchered for a noble cause."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

"Of course I won't forget to tell you when quarantine's over!"

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

"Nobody told me it was a dress down wedding day!"

Don't worry, the first thirty years working here are the hardest.

Batsford doesn't suffer fools gladly.

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

"If I ever start turning into my father do me a favor and don't turn into my mother."

"Miss Duxbury, put me through to someone."

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

"Next on the agenda: How can we crush workers' spirit, while appearing to care?"

"I've written the employees' benefit manual in invisible ink"

The Smartass Phone

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

'I'm looking for a card that says if I didn't get you this, I'd never hear the end of it.'

'Trust me, the term 'blissfully pregnant' is an oxymoron.'

"He gets his best ideas that way."