Sarcasm Master Pillows

"O.K., toss and turn and sigh so loud that I have to wake up and ask what's wrong."

'Professional strength deodorant? Are there professional sweaters? Is there a professional sweaters tour? Are there amateur sweaters?'

'Clear your desk. You're fired!'

'Never mind dear, at least you cut him with your razor sharp wit.'

'The parachute, McConnel, you ****** self-centered idiot! Pull the ripcord.'

'Be careful Constable, this is a rough area.'

"Your call isn't at all important to us. That is why you are currently being held thirty-seventh in a queue..."

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

The Snarky District

"This is Briggs, our new department head. He's got an amazing knack for reducing complex problems into easy-to-understand witch hunts!"

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

"My tariffs will move the world in a new direction!!"

'Someday TVs will be in big boxes on the floor.'

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

'Stop staring and make a wish!'