Seer Of Sarcasm Pillows

ESP Clinic

'That's not really what I meant by 'let your hair down', Rapunzel.'

German Expressionist Breakfast

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

Devil's food cake/Angel's food cake. Delivery mix-up.

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

'The Burrito King.'

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

"I suppose you want the rest of the day off!"

"Of course I won't forget to tell you when quarantine's over!"

"You know why they make these straws so big? It's a scam to make you drink fast so you can finish quicker and order more."

"If I ever start turning into my father do me a favor and don't turn into my mother."

Afraid of change - leave it here.

"I've written the employees' benefit manual in invisible ink"

'Doctor, how much acupuncture experience DO you have?'

"You can't lose pal. For a small fee, you make huge commissions every time you sell those babies."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

So that's it? I've tweeted a risque photo of my bicep. What happens next? We wait for the outpouring. I'm ready. Bring on the outrage. C'mon media! Let's hear your disgust that some old man would brazenly send such a lascivious photo. Then, with the world looking at me, I'll astound them with my idea of a universal health care system! Wait. Wait. Not yet. it's time for my first nap of the day. Can we do this later? What? Zzzzz. Best way for this to end.

The Birth of the Pyramid Marketing Sales Scam (circa 4,000 BC)

"Your sense of humor has gone from dry to arid. . ."

"Oh, may I freshen your drink, Dr. Marshall?"

The Olympic Booze-a-thon.

The guy who got in on the ground floor

"In my client's defence, the label on the bottle clearly read, 'rat poison'...not 'people poison'."

"Of course I'm making things worse. Do you think I'd work for what you're paying me if I knew how to make things better?"

"Thank you, Nathaniel. I think you, too, are a very scary young lawyer."

'I should've never sold my truck when I moved to the city.'

That's weird - every time I call the self-help hotline, it goes straight to my voicemail.

'Yeah, I know it's a plastic carrot: I wanted a low-maintenance system...'

'I don't know why you wanted a high def television when you have low def eyesight!'

"Sorry, boss. . . Google also doesn't know where your missing person is. I have no idea where to look now. . ."

Entertaining The Troops On Wall Street