Sarcasm Seer Pillows

'No fair, man. How come you get a dessert fork?'

German Expressionist Breakfast

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

'The Burrito King.'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"I suppose you want the rest of the day off!"

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

"Still Undecided Political Blocs"

"Of course I won't forget to tell you when quarantine's over!"

"If I ever start turning into my father do me a favor and don't turn into my mother."

"You know why they make these straws so big? It's a scam to make you drink fast so you can finish quicker and order more."

"Nobody told me it was a dress down wedding day!"

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

Afraid of change - leave it here.

'Doctor, how much acupuncture experience DO you have?'

"I've written the employees' benefit manual in invisible ink"

"You can't lose pal. For a small fee, you make huge commissions every time you sell those babies."

The Birth of the Pyramid Marketing Sales Scam (circa 4,000 BC)

The guy who got in on the ground floor

"Your sense of humor has gone from dry to arid. . ."

The Olympic Booze-a-thon.

"Oh, may I freshen your drink, Dr. Marshall?"

"Thank you, Nathaniel. I think you, too, are a very scary young lawyer."

"In my client's defence, the label on the bottle clearly read, 'rat poison'...not 'people poison'."

'I should've never sold my truck when I moved to the city.'

"Of course I'm making things worse. Do you think I'd work for what you're paying me if I knew how to make things better?"

'Yeah, I know it's a plastic carrot: I wanted a low-maintenance system...'

'When I drink, I don't drive my car.'

Entertaining The Troops On Wall Street

'I don't know why you wanted a high def television when you have low def eyesight!'