Sarcasm Skeptic Pillows

'It's a stream of ambuse!'

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

He's in training for the rugby World Cup.

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

"So, you say I'll be doubling the numbers of animals I kill?"

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

'Someday TVs will be in big boxes on the floor.'

The Snarky District

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

"My tariffs will move the world in a new direction!!"

"This is Briggs, our new department head. He's got an amazing knack for reducing complex problems into easy-to-understand witch hunts!"

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

'In a nutshell, foods are drugged and drugs are eaten like food.'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

Pharaoh Cocoon

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."