Sarcasm Seeker Pillows

"He's a curmudgeon now, but he used to be just a mean old bastard."

"It doesn't look good. Leave it with us overnight and hope it gets stolen."

'I find it difficult not to entertain the occasional negative thought.'

'No, I don't think you're a mental case, Mrs Clydehopper. Then again, this is a furniture store, and I'm a salesman...'

"I'm sorry, but we've traced the negative influence back to you."

Bank 'n' Burger

'Though you didn't actually attack the victim, your endlessly droning on about technical stuff did bore him to death.'

How Not To Start Off A Negotiation Process.

Beware of Pyramid Schemes.

Sigmund Freud, Massage Therapist

Skin specialist.

'It's not the massive foul-up that concerns me. What concerns me is that we failed at the massive cover-up.'

"Could you make it a dollar and a dime, sir? ? My agent gets 10%."

The whine of the month selection - Why me?

Our little mole problem is getting worse.

'Robert, I have received your appraisal...'

It was humming. What did you expect me to do? Teach it the words?

"Just a second while I get your letter out of my file."

"Why didn't you warn me?"

"Do you have any books on perception?"

'But occasionally, there's some accidental collateral damage.'

'Remember, Junior, in business, you're nobody until somebody loathes you.'

Afraid of change - leave it here.

'The company's team-building retreat was where I was singled out and attacked!'

'I'll be frank with you -- to adequately represent you in Congress, I have to be a crook.'

"I think our neighbours have called a truce to our feud. They sent us these lovely t-shirts as presents."

Devil's food cake/Angel's food cake. Delivery mix-up.

"That's right. We're open 24 hours a week."

Bereavement cards and congratulations cards. Man asks: 'Do you have anything that kind of combines the two?'

'Nine out of ten doctors think excessive drinking is bad for your health.'

'There is no chef. Would you like to take it up with one of our microwave technicians?'

'I should've never sold my truck when I moved to the city.'

'Doctor, how much acupuncture experience DO you have?'

'I'm going to have to go with the leeches on this one....'

"You'll be lucky! It's the cup final tomrrow"