Sarcasm Seer Gifts

'No fair, man. How come you get a dessert fork?'

'That's not really what I meant by 'let your hair down', Rapunzel.'

German Expressionist Breakfast

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

Devil's food cake/Angel's food cake. Delivery mix-up.

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

'Don't fall for all that...you should see him first thing in the morning.'

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

'The Burrito King.'

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

"I suppose you want the rest of the day off!"

"Still Undecided Political Blocs"

"Of course I won't forget to tell you when quarantine's over!"

"You know why they make these straws so big? It's a scam to make you drink fast so you can finish quicker and order more."

"Nobody told me it was a dress down wedding day!"

"If I ever start turning into my father do me a favor and don't turn into my mother."

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

Afraid of change - leave it here.

"I've written the employees' benefit manual in invisible ink"

'Doctor, how much acupuncture experience DO you have?'

So that's it? I've tweeted a risque photo of my bicep. What happens next? We wait for the outpouring. I'm ready. Bring on the outrage. C'mon media! Let's hear your disgust that some old man would brazenly send such a lascivious photo. Then, with the world looking at me, I'll astound them with my idea of a universal health care system! Wait. Wait. Not yet. it's time for my first nap of the day. Can we do this later? What? Zzzzz. Best way for this to end.

The Birth of the Pyramid Marketing Sales Scam (circa 4,000 BC)

"You can't lose pal. For a small fee, you make huge commissions every time you sell those babies."

"Your sense of humor has gone from dry to arid. . ."

"Oh, may I freshen your drink, Dr. Marshall?"

The guy who got in on the ground floor

The Olympic Booze-a-thon.

'I should've never sold my truck when I moved to the city.'

"Thank you, Nathaniel. I think you, too, are a very scary young lawyer."

"In my client's defence, the label on the bottle clearly read, 'rat poison'...not 'people poison'."

"Of course I'm making things worse. Do you think I'd work for what you're paying me if I knew how to make things better?"

'Yeah, I know it's a plastic carrot: I wanted a low-maintenance system...'

"Sorry, boss. . . Google also doesn't know where your missing person is. I have no idea where to look now. . ."

Entertaining The Troops On Wall Street