The Sarcasm Savant Gifts

"Well, I wouldn't exactly say we're pursuing bankruptcy. It's more like bankruptcy is pursuing us."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Really? They're now giving out non-participation trophies?"

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

The Snarky District

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

"Of course I won't forget to tell you when quarantine's over!"

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

Don't worry, the first thirty years working here are the hardest.

Batsford doesn't suffer fools gladly.

"If I ever start turning into my father do me a favor and don't turn into my mother."

"Nobody told me it was a dress down wedding day!"

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."

Redhead

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

"Miss Duxbury, put me through to someone."

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package ??" major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

"Next on the agenda: How can we crush workers' spirit, while appearing to care?"

"I've written the employees' benefit manual in invisible ink"

"Just tell your parents you made the grade. Don't specify."

"He gets his best ideas that way."