Sarcasm Connoisseur Gifts

Sociologists on Strike! Nation in Peril!!

"Of course I won't forget to tell you when quarantine's over!"

"How dare you—in a straightjacket, no less—psychoanalyze me."

'I'm so glad I'm not an heiress, Mr Soper. I should never know whether my suitors were attracted by myself or my money.' Mr Soper. 'Oh, Miss Beekly, your mirror should leave you in no doubt on that score!'

'How's the lemon meringue?'

If you want to get big as a radio host, you've got to differentiate yourself from all the other mean, insulting critics. I have a plan. You need to start being nice. That way, you'll really surprise people when you turn on them. That's the stupidest @#$% Idea I've ever heard, you muscle-bound ape! It needs work. Damn. What if I retract the muscle-bound part?

"If I ever start turning into my father do me a favor and don't turn into my mother."

'That's not really what I meant by 'let your hair down', Rapunzel.'

'A two-timer? Me? -- Why, I've done it hundreds of times!'

"You didn't tip the paper boy."

'Good news! I'm quadrupling your pay-cut.'

"I'm pretty sure the cars are stopping because of the red light camera rather than your glare."

"There are two things I don't like about him. . .His face."

"The public seems concerned about the size of government."

"State law banned the weapons. Now they just exchange sarcastic texts."

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

He's in training for the rugby World Cup.

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

"So, you say I'll be doubling the numbers of animals I kill?"

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

You want me to be a what? A hipster. My research shows caf

"Let's consider an early dive."

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'