Sarcasm Aficionado Gifts

'How long do we have to get in compliance?'

Three office doors: 'Idea People,' 'Make It Happen People,' and 'Make it Like This Never Happened People.'

'So that's 3 ham and cheese omelets...one order without cheese, one without ham, and another without eggs.'

'I'm not going to lie to you. We've been having our share of legal problems.'

'Unfortunately, it's fighting an uphill battle against our first name, which is 'Apathy.''

Greeting cards: Get Well, Get Over It.

'Oh, a drug test. That's a relief. I thought you were going to test my ethics.'

'How about we don't pay these bills and hope, in the meantime, someone steals our identity.'

"I'm not climbing down there to fetch your teeth. Serves you right for spitting."

Office worker on phone: 'If you could just email me the faxes of the photocopies of the transcripts of the fifteen phone messages in question, that would probably be the simplest.'

'My sources tell me, Jenkins, that you've requested one lunch break and several bathroom breaks each day. I consider that a sign of weakness. You're fired.'

"Relax, you only missed one payment. Don't beat yourself up. That's my job."

"Does it hurt when I do that?"

'For our anniversary I bought myself a truck, and her a carpet cleaner...which explains my condition.'

'What's your blood type?'

"Oh boy, am I never glad to see you."

Mom's Electronics

"His underwear was spotless."

"This doesn't exactly fill me with confidence, I must admit."

"You know what they say - what doesn't kill you only makes you older."

"The announcement of the changes really went well."

Realistic terms of agreement options. . .

'Hey, we have one of those. You hang your laundry on it.'

'Do you have one that comes with a disclaimer?'

"That's not just our motto, that's our pay scale."

"I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't tell my kids that I'm actually made of money."

'What are you doing?' - 'I'm compiling all of my lists into a spreadsheet... duh.' - 'You're ridiculous...' - 'I'm adding you to my 'discouraging people' worksheet for that unhelpful comment.' - 'Oh, sod off!' - 'Now I'm cross referencing you with my 'per

On this site in the spring of 1832 not a damn thing happened.

Dry Cleaners - Overcoats Cleaned While U Wait!

'You STUPID fool Ryan! Didn't i warn you not to go JUDGING his cover?!' / A book has just been bashed around a bit for judging another book's cover.

"Don't be so chintzy with the life line!"

'Oh yeah! I guess you think your barge doesn't stink.'

Losers' club: non-motivational coach available.

"...and then I'll tell you when I plan to go on holiday."

The Ekert Saga: '...A place where people are always unhappy no matter how well things are going? Ah! Got it...Go to Fenway Park in Boston.'