Sarcasm Fan Gifts

Fire Alarm

'Take two aspirins and stick your head in the sand.'

'Can of worms - do not open!'

'Spanking or non-spanking section?'

Horoscope - Look out for Large Windfall (Man crushed by giant apple).

"Can I call you back? We're having our favorite argument."

"Wow, all the way from the couch. Have the endorphins kicked in?"

'Why do I always attract the ugly ones'

"I am allergic to pesticide-free food."

"Never go wine-tasting with a lawyer!"

"Can't you fellas read the sign? I can't let you wheel him in here."

"Talk to me. You have wounds. I have salt."

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

'I'll be glad when this recession is over.'

Whatever look you were aiming for..you missed!

'Underneath my gruff exterior lies a mean old son-of-a-bitch.'

'Financial services at your service - I recommend transferring your money to me - no fee.'

Beware of Falling Notice.

Mechanic: 'A grinding sound, eh? Maybe she needs a new paint job.'

Accident outside Accident & Emergency

Wisdom for dummies

Hi I'm Bob....Bullshit I'm Bob

Ok, now hand over the purse.

"Second-smartest animals on the planet, but they don't know how to use the doorbell?"

"His monogram says it all."

"Well, well ... look what the cat dragged in."

"That's life, Ellen. You're going to have a face like a ferret.''

Lance, do you think I need a new hair style? Of course not, Gloria. That reminds me, I need to pick up some steel wool pads on the way home.

I hope I didn't hear you correctly, Lance. Actually, I hope so too, Gloria.

"Why'd the chicken cross the road?"

Get you anything while I'm out?

Ernie spins the expert's analysis of his boxing skills. He noted that I have great footwork! No, he said you're always "running for your life." I was praised for my courage, never "ducking" an opponent. He meant you're easy to hit. I'm most proud of being described as an artist in the ring. BAM. Actually, he said Ernie "spends a lot of time on the canvas."

Oh, please - if you had a "tell on a friend and get 15% off your next sentence" coupon, you'd have done the same thing.

I just heard this is a non-profit bar. Since all profits go to charity, I plan to donate extra! I plan to donate my hangover.

Bikini Car Thieves $100