Sarcasm Fan Pillows

Fire Alarm

'Take two aspirins and stick your head in the sand.'

'Can of worms - do not open!'

'Spanking or non-spanking section?'

Horoscope - Look out for Large Windfall (Man crushed by giant apple).

"Can I call you back? We're having our favorite argument."

'Why do I always attract the ugly ones'

"Wow, all the way from the couch. Have the endorphins kicked in?"

"Talk to me. You have wounds. I have salt."

"Can't you fellas read the sign? I can't let you wheel him in here."

"Never go wine-tasting with a lawyer!"

"I am allergic to pesticide-free food."

Wisdom for dummies

'Financial services at your service - I recommend transferring your money to me - no fee.'

'I'll be glad when this recession is over.'

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

Mechanic: 'A grinding sound, eh? Maybe she needs a new paint job.'

Beware of Falling Notice.

Whatever look you were aiming for..you missed!

Hi I'm Bob....Bullshit I'm Bob

'Underneath my gruff exterior lies a mean old son-of-a-bitch.'

"We're upgrading our business to something worse."

"Second-smartest animals on the planet, but they don't know how to use the doorbell?"

"His monogram says it all."

"More ashtray, nurse! For God's sake, more ashtray!"

"I'm warning you- I'm going to call the police if you don't stop touching base with me."

"None of 'em is my type. I'm sitting on my hands this year."

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"Well, well ... look what the cat dragged in."

"That's life, Ellen. You're going to have a face like a ferret.''

Bikini Car Thieves $100

"They could have picked more cheery colors."

Alarmistclock

"Get real. We're all obviously sick of this."

Ancient Torture Device