Music Sarcasm Fan Pillows

"Yes, I would like to initiate a divorce from my wife." "Okay, let me put you on hold. " Music plays: You are the sunshine of my life... That's why I'll always be arooooouuund...

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"Let's consider an early dive."

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

"The announcement of the changes really went well."

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

Czarcasm

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"My tariffs will move the world in a new direction!!"

The Snarky District

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"This is Briggs, our new department head. He's got an amazing knack for reducing complex problems into easy-to-understand witch hunts!"

'Someday TVs will be in big boxes on the floor.'

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

'Stop staring and make a wish!'

Beware of Falling Notice.

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

'The government's right. Not counting, food, clothing, energy, shelter, health care, or transportation, inflation is hardly going up.'