Sarcasm Fans Gifts

'Now what?'

Ernie, this car you're selling was worthless when you got it and is worthless now! For Sale. That's why my sign says it'll "retain its value." And it's certain this wiring will cause a huge fire any day now. I say it's "sure to start up." You think it's environmentally friendly? No, I call it a "hybrid" because it has lots of mismatched junkyard parts meant for older models. And the interior is full of mold .. so I let people know it's a "green car"!

T.G.I.F.! Y.W.I.F.!

He had tried many ways to quit smoking but only one worked.

And on this day, God created children.

'While I take photos with my phone and post to Instagram.'

'If you'd given me something I'd have warned you about that.'

'Brilliant - cold porridge and stale bread again!'

Sometimes I think the commercialisation of Christmas has gone a bit too far.

"Every time it snows I seem to put on weight."

"Coffee doesn't get me out of bed in the morning. I need a direct short from a defibrillator."

"I know you're upset with me and I'm getting the silent treatment. Thank you."

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"No, I didn't steal your content. I just have your content's doppleganger."

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

'What's that? It's a leaving present for the next person who comes in late.'

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"You're a strong, virile stallion of a man, Randy. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"Let's consider an early dive."

You want me to be a what? A hipster. My research shows caf

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

"The announcement of the changes really went well."

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

The Snarky District

Czarcasm

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."