Sarcasm Expert Gifts

'I'm feigning ignorance.'

'This tells you if you've had too much to drink.' - 'Amazing, sounds like my wife.'

"Does your dog bite?"

"Can I do anything for you besides sending over the wine steward?"

"Stop smiling. You're downtown."

The epitaph on a headstone reads "Art Farkas - October 8, 2012 - I didn't even reach my deductible."

The Birth of the Pyramid Marketing Sales Scam (circa 4,000 BC)

'This comes in very handy working here.'

'Talk, talk, talk, that's all these people do! - What we need in this country is a bit more action!'

"Joey, aren't you supposed to be cleaning the bathrooms?"

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

The Snarky District

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

"Of course it's a stupid sign, but you wouldn't believe how much money it brings in for city hall!"

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

Desk plaque: 'P. Burnside, Upper-Echelon Nincompoop'

"I'm trying to lure in Generation X-ers. They're the new sandwich generation. They're sandwiched between caring for their kids and caring for their parents. So they drink lots and lots of coffee."

"Of course I won't forget to tell you when quarantine's over!"

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

"Nobody told me it was a dress down wedding day!"

Don't worry, the first thirty years working here are the hardest.

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."

"Let me connect you with Edith, our specialist in ethnic conflict in the former Yugoslavia. My expertise happens to be in North Korean intransigence."

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C