Sarcasm Specialists Gifts

"Look, I'd like to help, but I've just got too much on my plate right now."

"Why don't you try a different style of gambling? Like Russian roulette."

"Oh, goody. More reality-based crap."

Where do you see yourself in five years? 35.

You should see the other guy.

If you had awful, disgusting fish-breath, would you want someone to tell you? Nice try, amateur. But you're talking to the woman who wrote "The Art Of The Insult." It was a best-seller in 1941. You just quoted chapter 48, paragraph 7: "The Plausibly Deniable IF-sult." Yeah. Right, you made that up. Nice try. Chapter 42: "Sarcastic Dismiss-sult."

Up next, a special report: Insomnia, The Silent Killer. Research shows that 54 percent of American adults suffer a sleeping disorder. Side effects can include lost work productivity, depression, increased heart risk

Has anyone ever told you you're beautiful when you adjudicate?

'This is not really how I imagined by bigger role...'

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

'That's not really what I meant by 'let your hair down', Rapunzel.'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

"It's good to know she was butchered for a noble cause."

The Snarky District

Hello, my name is riskyy@ronny5 and I am addicted to comments boards.

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

"Of course it's a stupid sign, but you wouldn't believe how much money it brings in for city hall!"

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

"I'm trying to lure in Generation X-ers. They're the new sandwich generation. They're sandwiched between caring for their kids and caring for their parents. So they drink lots and lots of coffee."

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"This number goes out to all the little people I met on my way back down."

Desk plaque: 'P. Burnside, Upper-Echelon Nincompoop'

'We were thinking of naming him after his daddy, but I don't really like the name, Old slap head.'

"Of course I won't forget to tell you when quarantine's over!"

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."