Sarcasm Guru Gifts

"You can have your old job back if you can find it."

"I don't think a hospital video consultation requires 'motivation'."

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

The Snarky District

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

"Of course it's a stupid sign, but you wouldn't believe how much money it brings in for city hall!"

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

Desk plaque: 'P. Burnside, Upper-Echelon Nincompoop'

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"I'm trying to lure in Generation X-ers. They're the new sandwich generation. They're sandwiched between caring for their kids and caring for their parents. So they drink lots and lots of coffee."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"Of course I won't forget to tell you when quarantine's over!"

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

"Nobody told me it was a dress down wedding day!"

Don't worry, the first thirty years working here are the hardest.

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

"And lastly, for my infinite perseverance, self-control and fortitude, I'd like to thank the Internet trolls."

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."

"Let me connect you with Edith, our specialist in ethnic conflict in the former Yugoslavia. My expertise happens to be in North Korean intransigence."

"If I ever start turning into my father do me a favor and don't turn into my mother."

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

WTF?

Batsford doesn't suffer fools gladly.