Sarcasm Wizard Gifts

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

He's in training for the rugby World Cup.

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"So, you say I'll be doubling the numbers of animals I kill?"

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

The Snarky District

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

"Of course it's a stupid sign, but you wouldn't believe how much money it brings in for city hall!"

Beware of Falling Notice.

Pharaoh Cocoon

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

Desk plaque: 'P. Burnside, Upper-Echelon Nincompoop'

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

"I lettered in spelling."

"I always try to give out at least one genuine compliment per day. I don't always succeed."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"I'm trying to lure in Generation X-ers. They're the new sandwich generation. They're sandwiched between caring for their kids and caring for their parents. So they drink lots and lots of coffee."

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"This cheap can of domestic beer has a bouquet reminiscent of...beer."

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."

Don't worry, the first thirty years working here are the hardest.