Sarcasm Wizard T-Shirts

It's the Ask Sadie Advice Hour. "Batfan" in Dallas, you're on. What's your problem?! House of Java Cybercafe. My girlfriend is refusing to go see "Justice League" because she things Marvel's take on the genre is the only way to do it. How do I get her to be more open-minded and tolerant? You don't! Just become less open-minded yourself. You can't change other people, you can only seek vengeance upon them. Um ... Do you happen to have Doctor Phil's number?

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

He's in training for the rugby World Cup.

"So, you say I'll be doubling the numbers of animals I kill?"

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

The Snarky District

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

"Of course it's a stupid sign, but you wouldn't believe how much money it brings in for city hall!"

Beware of Falling Notice.

Pharaoh Cocoon

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

"I just edited your Wikipedia entry." "Big whoop." "What a coincidence, that's what scientists have classified you as: Bigwhoop." "...The much grumpier, much louder, and much, much older second cousin of Bigfoot." "You lousy son of a..." "Wait... thank you. That's very flattering."

"I'm trying to lure in Generation X-ers. They're the new sandwich generation. They're sandwiched between caring for their kids and caring for their parents. So they drink lots and lots of coffee."

"I lettered in spelling."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

Desk plaque: 'P. Burnside, Upper-Echelon Nincompoop'

"I always try to give out at least one genuine compliment per day. I don't always succeed."

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"Nice haircut."

Don't worry, the first thirty years working here are the hardest.