Sarcasm Scholar Gifts

"Of course I'm making things worse. Do you think I'd work for what you're paying me if I knew how to make things better?"

"I have an imaginary friend. He's a real person – he just isn't really my friend."

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"For today's punishment, you'll be listening to my mom talk about her foot pain."

"I think somebody thinks I've been away from my desk too long."

'My wife's got a lover!'

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

The Snarky District

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

"Of course it's a stupid sign, but you wouldn't believe how much money it brings in for city hall!"

Desk plaque: 'P. Burnside, Upper-Echelon Nincompoop'

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

"I'm trying to lure in Generation X-ers. They're the new sandwich generation. They're sandwiched between caring for their kids and caring for their parents. So they drink lots and lots of coffee."

"Of course I won't forget to tell you when quarantine's over!"

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

"Let me connect you with Edith, our specialist in ethnic conflict in the former Yugoslavia. My expertise happens to be in North Korean intransigence."

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."

"If I ever start turning into my father do me a favor and don't turn into my mother."

WTF?

Batsford doesn't suffer fools gladly.

"Nobody told me it was a dress down wedding day!"

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."