Sarcasm Scholar Gifts

"Of course I'm making things worse. Do you think I'd work for what you're paying me if I knew how to make things better?"

"I have an imaginary friend. He's a real person – he just isn't really my friend."

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"For today's punishment, you'll be listening to my mom talk about her foot pain."

"I think somebody thinks I've been away from my desk too long."

'My wife's got a lover!'

"So what kind of mood is he in?"

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

'That's not really what I meant by 'let your hair down', Rapunzel.'

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Lost my job. But I'm pretty sure it's around here somewhere."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"To address this mistake we must be professional and use root-cause analysis. I'll start by saying it's not my fault...."

"It's good to know she was butchered for a noble cause."

The Snarky District

"Does anyone know where we keep the unwritten rules?"

"Of course it's a stupid sign, but you wouldn't believe how much money it brings in for city hall!"

"I'm trying to lure in Generation X-ers. They're the new sandwich generation. They're sandwiched between caring for their kids and caring for their parents. So they drink lots and lots of coffee."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"'How We Die' - fabulous!"

Desk plaque: 'P. Burnside, Upper-Echelon Nincompoop'

'My firm has an entire department that does nothing but adjust for inflation.'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

"Of course I won't forget to tell you when quarantine's over!"

'How effective is this new weight-loss regime?' 'We can guarantee you'll lose £50 at your signing on.'

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

WTF?

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

'Comments? Thoughts? Anyone?'

"Sometimes, Cheryl, I wonder why you only invite me along to cocktail parties."

Don't worry, the first thirty years working here are the hardest.