Scholar Of Sarcasm Gifts

"I love college."

Medical School. Dean's Office. You were flunking out. Did your midterm exams improve the outlook? I don't know what the prognosis is. They said my test results were inconclusive.

This department will not countenance the back stab.

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

'That's not really what I meant by 'let your hair down', Rapunzel.'

"Of course I won't forget to tell you when quarantine's over!"

"If I ever start turning into my father do me a favor and don't turn into my mother."

Our college is tuned to the students' every need! Campus Visits. We have body image awareness week. Safe sex awareness week. Bullying, drug use and tolerance awareness weeks. What did I miss? Welcome. History, math or English awareness week? Great idea. I'll suggest that.

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

The Birth of the Pyramid Marketing Sales Scam (circa 4,000 BC)

"Before we decide if you can get in we have to watch a film review of your life..."

"We're going to run some tests: bloodwork, a cat-scan and the S.A.T.'s."

"There are those who say I'm a throwback to Monet."

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

"Of course I'm making things worse. Do you think I'd work for what you're paying me if I knew how to make things better?"

Monkey Business College

"How can a student who can't speak English or Gobbledegook expect to pass?"

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"We understand each other and respect each other's privacy." "That cat hates me."

'After reviewing my student loans, I wrote my thesis on deficit spending.'

Welcome to Yosemite, Hell on Earth!

Precisely Inprecise

"I don't think a hospital video consultation requires 'motivation'."

"The public seems concerned about the size of government."

"My inner child just turned 62. Where's his money?"

Atilla the Hun, sadly neglected by historians for his progressive approach to personnel management.

'Stop complaining or I'll take you home and serve you some of my husband's cooking!'

"Our interview with the author of the best-selling book, 'how I never paid taxes', has been postponed 5 to 10 years."

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

Emile Durkheim

"Well, I wouldn't exactly say we're pursuing bankruptcy. It's more like bankruptcy is pursuing us."

If you want to get big as a radio host, you've got to differentiate yourself from all the other mean, insulting critics. I have a plan. You need to start being nice. That way, you'll really surprise people when you turn on them. That's the stupidest @#$% Idea I've ever heard, you muscle-bound ape! It needs work. Damn. What if I retract the muscle-bound part?

'I'm worried that if I study too hard, I couldn end up being a teacher.'

"Stop smiling. You're downtown."

"How dare you—in a straightjacket, no less—psychoanalyze me."