Sarcastic Scholar Gifts

'I can't guarantee that giving up smiling, drinking and sex will make you live longer, but it will certainly SEEM much longer. . .'

"Why can I only cross 'right' or 'wrong'? What about 'I don't care', 'I don't give a damn' or 'How should I know'?"

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

The First Fire Stick

'Did you clear this through Legal first?'

'That was creepy. They ran short on cadavers, so we operated on the dean of students.'

'I knew this was a bad place to work when I saw that they call the company handbook 'the Owner's Manual.''

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"Try unplugging it and throwing it out the window."

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

'Yes, it's easy to make a mistake in a conduct dismissal, Bob. But as mistakes go this is a big one.'

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"

Attorney At Law: Today's special - Bankruptcy and Divorce. Two for the price of one.

"I guess the point I'm trying to make is, calling the committee on Progress and Evolution a bunch of know-it-all nincompoops might have felt good when you said it, but..."

"Of course I'm making things worse. Do you think I'd work for what you're paying me if I knew how to make things better?"

'I've decided to make you someone else's problem.'

"I love college."

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

'The fact that you worked as an unpaid intern shows you don't understand the concept of being a banker.'

"The damsel-in-distress thing is just one of several income streams that I pursue."

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

'To Err is human...but to forgive is against company policy!'

"Can't you just troll me?"

"Congratulations, gentlemen - we have achieved failure."

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"How about fashionably never?"

"Send them in for their Christmas bonuses."

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."