Sarcastic Scholar Gifts

'I can't guarantee that giving up smiling, drinking and sex will make you live longer, but it will certainly SEEM much longer. . .'

"Why can I only cross 'right' or 'wrong'? What about 'I don't care', 'I don't give a damn' or 'How should I know'?"

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

The First Fire Stick

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

'Did you clear this through Legal first?'

'That was creepy. They ran short on cadavers, so we operated on the dean of students.'

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

'I knew this was a bad place to work when I saw that they call the company handbook 'the Owner's Manual.''

"Try unplugging it and throwing it out the window."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

'Yes, it's easy to make a mistake in a conduct dismissal, Bob. But as mistakes go this is a big one.'

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

Attorney At Law: Today's special - Bankruptcy and Divorce. Two for the price of one.

"I guess the point I'm trying to make is, calling the committee on Progress and Evolution a bunch of know-it-all nincompoops might have felt good when you said it, but..."

"Of course I'm making things worse. Do you think I'd work for what you're paying me if I knew how to make things better?"

'I've decided to make you someone else's problem.'

"I love college."

"They're at that age where it's only cool to wag ironically."

"The damsel-in-distress thing is just one of several income streams that I pursue."

'The fact that you worked as an unpaid intern shows you don't understand the concept of being a banker.'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

'To Err is human...but to forgive is against company policy!'

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

"Can't you just troll me?"

"Congratulations, gentlemen - we have achieved failure."

"Hey - let's not us re-invent wheel."

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

'If you can't beat 'em join 'em.'

"How about fashionably never?"

"Send them in for their Christmas bonuses."

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"