Sarcastic Reader Gifts

How to be more passive-aggressive, if that's what you really want.

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

Attorney At Law: Today's special - Bankruptcy and Divorce. Two for the price of one.

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

Didn't we fire you last week?

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

'If looks could sue, eh, Walt?'

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

"I've only had three pints and I'm totally wasted. . . I'll never drink vodka again!"

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

'I just read that in order to get the same benefit as lab mice got from taking resveratrol, you'd have to drink 1,000 bottles of wine per day. For you, that would mean cutting back.'

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

"Oh, please, do tell me what Warren Buffett has to say about adding bleach to delicates."

Big Brother.

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

"Med school was a blast."

It's too cold...the boss is a jerk...my feet hurt.

'Like it'll do any good.'

"Why can I only cross 'right' or 'wrong'? What about 'I don't care', 'I don't give a damn' or 'How should I know'?"

"What're you doing for Thanksgiving, little buddy?" "Having a huge party." "It'll be full of turkey, cranberry sauce, wine, eggnog, football, and friends and family who love me dearly." "Oh, good. I was afraid you'd be alone all day playing video games." "'Turkey Slaughter VI' is no ordinary game." "You're coming to my place."

"Boss, if you could be any superhero, which one would it be?" "Insurance-Adjuster-Man." "In a world where superheroes were real, there'd be an awful lot of collateral damage to buildings and infrastructure." "Insurance-Adjuster-Man would probably clear six figures by breakfast." "'Heroes' aren't in it for the money." "Of course they are. Take Lex Luthor, for instance..."

The role of administration.

'I let Ed sleep through these meetings. His snoring keeps the others awake.'

"Friends are like trees. They fall down if you hit them with an axe."