Sarcastic Listener Gifts

'I appreciate all of your opinions... I just don't want to hear them.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

Attorney At Law: Today's special - Bankruptcy and Divorce. Two for the price of one.

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

Didn't we fire you last week?

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

I think when they talk about 'taking more excercise' they meant more than lifting the remote control.

"Can you train him to bite my husband whenever the trash gets full?"

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

You know, I'll always think of the song that's on the Juke box right now as

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

Finally, a big puffy hand for the losing team.

'I just read that in order to get the same benefit as lab mice got from taking resveratrol, you'd have to drink 1,000 bottles of wine per day. For you, that would mean cutting back.'

'If looks could sue, eh, Walt?'

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

"If your boyfriend is so special, why is his name tattooed on the back of your neck where you can't see it?"

It's too cold...the boss is a jerk...my feet hurt.

'It seems that my advice wasn't the only thing he could do without.'

"So is that enough 'putting out' for you?"

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

'Does that include the fishing rod?'

'Legal say that 'Be my Valentine' opens us up to sexual harrassment claims, they suggest 'dear individual of indeterminate or any gender would you consider accepting the role of being my person of special interest'.'

'I'd prefer the banks were re-formed and Destiny's Child split up.'

"No, I didn't fake it last night. I really was asleep"

'We lost six nil!. . . and we were lucky to get the nil!'

'I let Ed sleep through these meetings. His snoring keeps the others awake.'