Sarcastic Communicator Gifts

'Although he can't come to the phone right now, he wouldn't like you to know that your call is of no interest to him.'

"Happy Birthday, dear. Remember. . . it's the thought that counts!"

"I see that failure isn't an option for you, is it? More of an imperative."

"This scarf's too tight. . !"

The First Fire Stick

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

"The damsel-in-distress thing is just one of several income streams that I pursue."

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

Didn't we fire you last week?

"Send them in for their Christmas bonuses."

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

'You have no new messages in your mailbox.'

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

"I've only had three pints and I'm totally wasted. . . I'll never drink vodka again!"

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

'Hey, I know how to stop famine and poverty! Let's have lunch and after that, we go on making money!'

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

"Oh, please, do tell me what Warren Buffett has to say about adding bleach to delicates."

"If your boyfriend is so special, why is his name tattooed on the back of your neck where you can't see it?"

Big Brother.

"So is that enough 'putting out' for you?"

'Like it'll do any good.'

"Dad, I'm nearly eighteen. I'm old enough to get divorce if I want"

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.