Sarcastic Communicator Mugs

'Although he can't come to the phone right now, he wouldn't like you to know that your call is of no interest to him.'

"Happy Birthday, dear. Remember. . . it's the thought that counts!"

"I see that failure isn't an option for you, is it? More of an imperative."

"This scarf's too tight. . !"

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

The First Fire Stick

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

"The damsel-in-distress thing is just one of several income streams that I pursue."

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

Didn't we fire you last week?

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

"Can you train him to bite my husband whenever the trash gets full?"

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

"Send them in for their Christmas bonuses."

"I've only had three pints and I'm totally wasted. . . I'll never drink vodka again!"

'You have no new messages in your mailbox.'

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

'I just read that in order to get the same benefit as lab mice got from taking resveratrol, you'd have to drink 1,000 bottles of wine per day. For you, that would mean cutting back.'

'Hey, I know how to stop famine and poverty! Let's have lunch and after that, we go on making money!'

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

"Oh, please, do tell me what Warren Buffett has to say about adding bleach to delicates."

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

'Like it'll do any good.'