Sarcastic Speaker Gifts

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

The First Fire Stick

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"The damsel-in-distress thing is just one of several income streams that I pursue."

'What's your favourite operating system?' - 'I don't have one.' - 'Well, you killed that conversation.' - 'It deserved to die.'

The canteen food's pretty awful...

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"Lemme guess: You forgot the basil Mom asked for, and my ice cream is in your briefcase?"

"Whoes jumping? My secretary enforces a strict 'No Smoking' policy"

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.

"You were always my favorite to guilt-trip."

"Send them in for their Christmas bonuses."

'Since this is my first time in court, I wonder if it would be all right if my attorney got a couple of shots of me lying under oath.'

"I've only had three pints and I'm totally wasted. . . I'll never drink vodka again!"

"One of his employees won the lottery!"

"The end of my patience is near!"

A man in hospital is exposed to Covid-19

'Police! Snow White we have complaints about your relationship with 'Grumpy', and one 'Dopey' some ten years ago.'

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

'I needed a little guidance on bulk pricing strategies... are you LISTENING?'

"I admit - as papercuts go it's quite a serious one."

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."