Sarcastic Viewer Gifts

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

The First Fire Stick

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"...it was believed that anyone who displeased it would meet with a terrible fate, which of course is complete nonsen..."

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

Attorney At Law: Today's special - Bankruptcy and Divorce. Two for the price of one.

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

'Gentlemen, it's time we tightened our belts.'

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

I think when they talk about 'taking more excercise' they meant more than lifting the remote control.

"Where the hell were you fourteen years ago?"

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

"I've only had three pints and I'm totally wasted. . . I'll never drink vodka again!"

"Don't look at me. I'm just the gay friend."

"Hey, if we're getting laid off, it's every man for himself!"

'I'm always broke because I keep getting MUGGED!'

'If looks could sue, eh, Walt?'

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

Finally, a big puffy hand for the losing team.

'Hey, I know how to stop famine and poverty! Let's have lunch and after that, we go on making money!'

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

"The end of my patience is near!"

The End is Near...You Wish.

"OK, now here comes the lava."

"Oh, please, do tell me what Warren Buffett has to say about adding bleach to delicates."

'Like it'll do any good.'

"Dad, I'm nearly eighteen. I'm old enough to get divorce if I want"

"Where do you see yourself in five years and what are you doing now to avoid it?"

Big Brother.

"Boss, if you could be any superhero, which one would it be?" "Insurance-Adjuster-Man." "In a world where superheroes were real, there'd be an awful lot of collateral damage to buildings and infrastructure." "Insurance-Adjuster-Man would probably clear six figures by breakfast." "'Heroes' aren't in it for the money." "Of course they are. Take Lex Luthor, for instance..."

"Med school was a blast."