Sarcastic Book Lover Gifts

"I wrote it strictly for the reviews."

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

"I finally found a use for that old home repair book..."

Do it yourself books.

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

Graffiti artists signs his memoirs in bookshop.

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

Tree Funeral

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

How About Serving Us For a Change

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"If you want to talk to someone uninterested, press 1..."

'Good book?'

Loserville Next Exit: Try not to miss it this time.

Tell me, how do you fit into the scheme of things here?

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

"No, I don't wanna read your damn blog."

'I may scream at you occasionally. Pay no attention. I may rant and rave...pay no attention...I may even fire you occasionally. PAY ATTENTION!'

Pet shop with recipes stand outside.

"You were always my favorite to guilt-trip."

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.

The canteen food's pretty awful...

'Your entire library consists of nothing but tabloids bound in Corinthian leather?'

I'm buying last year's car today with next year's money.

Know-it-alls

'Since this is my first time in court, I wonder if it would be all right if my attorney got a couple of shots of me lying under oath.'

'Police! Snow White we have complaints about your relationship with 'Grumpy', and one 'Dopey' some ten years ago.'

A man in hospital is exposed to Covid-19

"As I near my 9th life, I feel I’m entering a post-curious, pre-fatalist phase of existence."

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."